


Can You Face Your Own Sins First?

by Moonlit_typewriter



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: 90’s, Alex snaps, Alex’s parents suck, Homophobia, Luke’s a great friend, Panic Attacks, Religious Conflict, before the hotdogs, but not THOSE hotdogs, church, he deserves it though good for him, well they’ve eaten hotdogs in general
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:49:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27887830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonlit_typewriter/pseuds/Moonlit_typewriter
Summary: It’d been a few weeks since Alex came out to his parents, and by default, his church (though that hadn’t really been his choice). From then on, it was whispers, stares, weekend after weekend spent praying in a pew. He stayed quiet, kept his head down, until one day he couldn’t anymore.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 101





	Can You Face Your Own Sins First?

**Author's Note:**

> Not me being horrible at summaries I’m so sorry. Hope y’all enjoy!!!

Alex climbed out the parked minivan, dress shoes touching down onto the concrete one at a time as his eyes warily scanned the crowd. Around the front of the church, families in clean pressed outfits laughed and mingled, waiting for the start of the service. Sliding the car door closed, Alex’s gaze finally landed on a person standing apart from the congregants. The boy looked uncomfortable. Dressed in a brown dress shirt that matched his hair, he squinted in the Sunday morning sun and tugged at his collar. From across the parking lot, the two boys locked eyes, and the brown-haired one broke into a smile, lifting his hand in a wave. Alex smiled back, shoving his hands into his pockets and taking a step towards the building when a short cough stopped him,

“Alexander,” his father’s cold voice came from around the drivers side of the van. The blonde timidly looked over at the man, who raised his eyebrows,

“Your _sweatshirt_.” He eyed his son’s ever present light pink hoodie then looked at the boy expectantly.

“O-oh. Right.” Alex stammered, hastily pulling it off to reveal the dull blue dress shirt underneath. He balled the hoodie up but held onto it tightly, looking back at his father for approval. The older man’s eyebrows stayed raised and without a word, Alex sighed before opening the car door, placing his hoodie on the seat, and tugging the door shut. His father made a noise of approval and rounded the front to the car, smoothing his grey suit jacket and offering his left arm to Alex’s mother. He cleared his throat again and Alex stepped forward, positioning himself at his father’s other side. He plastered a smile onto his face and the family set off in the direction of the church.  
  


Arriving at the doors, Alex’s parents moved to greet another formally dressed couple, and he quickly broke off and made his way to the boy standing off to the side.

“Luke, hey.” The brunette turned at the sound of Alex’s voice and bounced forward excitedly,

“Alex!” He moved for a hug but stopped short as the other boy stuck his hand out in greeting instead.

“Sorry, man it’s just-“ Alex trailed off, looking down sheepishly, playing with the cross charm around his neck and sticking it into his shirt as Luke looked back at him sadly. Nevertheless, he grasped his hand and shook it, glancing around at the other congregants milling around. A few feet away, a group of women were throwing looks their way.

“Things are still tense huh? I’m sorry, Alex. Are you sure it’s okay I’m here?”

“No, yeah, yeah I want you here. I’m glad you could make it.” The blonde boy reassured him, finally taking a second to look his friend up and down. He had on a slightly scuffed pair of black dress shoes, dress pants, and

“You wore sleeves!” Alex laughed. Luke frowned at the joke, hands moving to tug at his shirt, clearly not happy about the fabric covering both his arms. His normally shaggy hair was combed back nicely but he had kept his jewelry. The bump of bracelets could be seen from under his long sleeves and his rings still sat on the hands that wouldn’t stop moving. From in between his collar, the chain of his long necklace disappeared into the button up. Thankfully, he’d left his chains and teal rabbit’s foot at the studio. Luke shifted a bit, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“So this trip, it’s a big deal right?” Alex pursed his lips, nodding as he rocked back and forth on his heels.

“Yeah, we, uh, we found out I was going before...everything...and my parents were super happy about it.” He averted his eyes, voice lowering as he said,

“I think it was the last time I remember them saying they were proud of me.” Luke reached out and silently patted him on the back, knowing that there was no amount of “I’m sorry” that could fix the hurt the drummer was still feeling from his parents rejection. At that moment, the crowd began moving, slowly beginning to filter into the church. Alex cleared his throat, shaking his head,

“We should go find my parents.” Luke stood up straight and nodded, gesturing towards the doors,

“Lead the way.” The two boys met up with Alex’s parents right in front of the church doors, his father’s smiling face marred by hard eyes and his mother’s expression one of calm neutrality,

“Alexander, there you are. Where did your- oh.” She reached forward and pulled his necklace out from within his shirt, ensuring the cross that hung from it was clearly visible. Satisfied, her eyes flitted to Luke and veiled displeasure tinged her voice as she greeted him,

“Hello Lukas. So pleased you could join us this morning” Under her gaze, Luke’s hands resumed their tugging at his sleeves as he offered a tight smile in return,

“Good morning ma’am. I’m happy to be here. If it’s important to Alex it’s important to me.” Alex’s father raised his eyebrows at that but didn’t mention it, instead motioning to the open doors,

“Shall we go in?”

Moving down the aisle, the group found an open spot in a pew towards the center of the chapel. From all around them, Alex could feel the eyes on him and Luke. Ill-contained whispers of rumors and judgement jumped through the air as the two took their seats, Alex making sure to sit in between his parents and Luke. Even before Alex had come out, his parents hid their dislike for the energetic frontman behind short sentences and false politeness, but now, that dislike was less covered, the distrust in their eyes following him whenever he was at their house. The brunette paid the stares no mind, head subtly bopping to a song that only he could hear as he looked through a pamphlet someone must’ve given him on the way in. Glancing over at the boy, Luke caught a glimpse Alex’s furrowed brows and twisting hands and quickly put his hand over the drummer’s, stilling them,

“ _Alex_ , don’t worry about them, what they think means nothing. You’re going to do great up there.” Alex pulled his eyes off of the altar and the front and looked over at Luke, smiling wanly at him in thanks but pulling his hands away before his parents or anyone else saw and looking back towards the front of the chapel. Luke kept looking at the blonde for a moment , eyes filled with sympathy for how hard he could tell Alex was trying to be the dutiful Christian son. Then, he too brought his attention to the front of the room as the priest spoke and mass began.

* * *

The introductory Rites came and went and the Liturgy of the Word began as it grew closer and closer to when Alex was supposed to speak. He could feel himself getting more anxious, his hands beginning to tap a soft rhythm on his bouncing leg in an attempt to calm himself down. The service continued until finally, during the Great Amen, the priest stood and moved to the center of the altar,

“Now, normally it is during this part of the service that the Homily is given. However, this week, we have something a little different. Our very own Alex has been accepted onto a highly selective mission program, one of only fifty people selected. I’d like to call him up at this time to share a bit about what this experience entails.” Alex hesitantly stood up, offering a small smile at the priest and moving out of the pew. As he walked toward the front, he could hear murmurs from throughout the crowd, words like _gay, hell,_ and _why him_. He wrung his hands nervously as he arrived at the altar, turning around so he was facing the congregation. Scanning the pews, he could see pinched faces of barely contained judgement, with only a few people looking actually interested in hearing him speak. He cleared his throat,

“Hi everyone, I’m Alex.” someone in the crowd coughed and Alex shifted nervously where he stood,

“A couple months ago, I filled out an application for a trip overseas to help teach kids things like reading and writing. A couple weeks ago, I got an email back saying I’d been accepted. The trip isn’t for a few months but I’ll be going overseas with a group of other teenagers to help teach elementary aged children. I really want to thank the church for helping me to get the chance to go on this trip, it’s an honor to be able to represent our community and it’s an amazing opportunity for me to-“ Something in his peripheral distracted him, and he looked over to see Luke lurch forward in his seat, having been pushed from behind. The boy ignored it, settling back in the pew and keeping his face on Alex as the man behind him leaned forward and whispered something in his ear. Luke’s face went pinched for a moment, eyes moving in the direction of the man’s voice. Looking back to the front, the two made eye-contact, and he gave Alex a smile and thumbs up but the blonde boy could only see his clenched jaw as the man behind him leaned forward again.

“For me to, uh.” His concentration drifted again as Luke shifted in his seat, nose scrunching at whatever the man behind him had said, hands twisting at the rings on his fingers. Alex felt anger pool in his stomach and he couldn’t stop himself as the next words came out of his mouth,

“You know what? _No_. It’s _not_ amazing. It’s not amazing to go and represent a religion that’s so,” he fumbled for the word, “ _hypocritical_. You preach love and you preach acceptance but the second that someone might be different than you, might _love_ different than you, it’s unacceptable. You let your own hatred leech into everything you do and then you’re not even honest with yourselves! You lie to yourself and you lie to others, keeping up the happy little family act in public when in private you won’t even look at your own kid. What happened to “Love thy neighbor”? What about loving your _children_? Do you actually care because I think you don’t. You use Jesus for your own gain and then you call it faith. You say you’re following his teachings and then you shame anyone who doesn’t think exactly like you. That’s not faith, It’s bullshit!” The congregation gasped at his language and any other time, Alex would’ve realized what he’d just done. Would have apologized and composed himself, saved his dignity in any way he could. But right now, weeks worth of hurt and betrayal were finally boiling over,

“And then, _and then_ , you go and you say you’re a good Christian. You walk from yelling slurs at people on the street straight into the church and you smile because you just spread G-d’s word. I didn’t realize G-d hated. I thought he loved all his creations right? Or was that just another lie? If G-d _hated_ people, he wouldn’t have made them in the first place so don’t give me that line. I hate to break it to you, but Jesus wouldn’t be on your side. I’ve read the same Bible as you, cover to cover, trying desperately to clean myself of every single thing you say is wrong with me and the one thing I found is that Jesus is the one who’s supposed to stand up for those who are discriminated against, who don’t have a voice, but here _you_ are being the ones _doing_ the discriminating. It’s _sick_. It’s sick that you could take your own hate and hide it in the pages of some book who’s writers are long gone. A book that’s supposed to offer comfort and safety but instead only offers condemnation and pain for those who don’t fit your narrative. It’s sick that you can be proud of yourself for taking a man who’s supposed to be the savior for all and manipulate his hand into stabbing your enemies for you. How do you sleep at night? Is it contently, knowing that today you nailed someone to the cross when you cursed them out in the grocery store? Is it contently, looking at the Bible on your shelf and telling yourself that you were right because G-d says so?” Alex was shaking now, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. From where he stood, he could see Luke looking at him, eyes wide in shock and almost in _pride_. The brunette could see the anger dwindling in the drummer as he stood on the altar and moved to get up from his seat, trying to come comfort him, or at least get him off the altar before he broke down completely, but was stopped when Alex’s father grabbed his arm hard, forcing him back into his seat as he glared at his son. Alex could see the fury in his father’s eyes as his own pain-filled ones met them,

“I thought G-d didn’t make mistakes. I guess I was the one exception right?” With that last sentence, Alex felt the fight drain out of him. He stood there silently on the altar, shaking with anger and with hurt as the chapel erupted with sound. People staring at him in shock, people shouting at him in outrage, accusatory fingers pointing with such fury it was like they were going to stab a hole straight through him. His eyes darted around the room, taking in the scene that he caused and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. It was like his lungs had stopped working right then and there. He looked desperately at Luke, whose arm was still in the firm grip of Alex’s father and didn’t waste another second before he was practically running down the aisle and towards the doors. As he hurried out he could hear Luke’s voice from behind him exclaiming shortly,

“-Let _go_ of me” while the priest’s voice tried to quell the unrest, but he didn’t stop. He could feel the tightness building up in his chest and this time, the tears didn’t stop at the corners of his eyes, they pushed past his eyelids and streamed down his face. He couldn’t tell whether they were tears of anger, panic, sadness, whatever. All he could tell was that he needed to _get out_. He stumbled out the church doors, eyes squeezing shut as he was met by bright sunlight. As soon as he’d made it out of the building he could feel his legs giving up and he slid down the wall until he was seated on the concrete. Pulling his knees to his chest, he buried his head in his arms. He sat like that, pulling in quick, shallow breaths until he heard the doors open a few feet away and footsteps quickly leaving the building. The steps froze for a second before coming his way. Alex tensed as he looked at the ground, catching a glimpse of the shoes getting closer. Scratched up dress shoes creased as Luke squatted down in front of him.

“Alex? It’s me. Is it okay for me to touch you right now?” His voice was laced with concern that Alex could only imagine reached all the way into his eyes. The blonde kept his head down, shaking it no while trying to hide the tears that spattered onto the pavement beneath him. His brain was moving at a mile a minute and his lungs seemed determined to keep up. It was just all _too much_. Luke was silent for a second before quickly speaking again, like he’d realized that Alex couldn’t see his reactions,

“Shoot sorry. Okay, that’s fine, hands off. Alex, do you think you can look at me? Please?” He asked gently. Alex hesitated, but slowly pulled his eyes up from where they’d been buried in the now damp sleeves of his dress shirt. The brunette in front of him smiled genuinely,

“That’s great man, good job. Now, can you copy what I’m doing?” Luke took a big, exaggerated breath, holding it for a second before slowly releasing it. Alex swallowed shakily before mimicking the boy in front of him. The first breath came out stuttered as he fought against his own racing heart. Luke kept breathing in and out slowly, eyes offering silent encouragement. Just as Alex felt his mind slowing down, his heart dropped out of his chest. His eyes went wide as he looked at Luke, the reality of what had just happened finally setting in,

“Oh. Oh no, what did I just do?” Luke raised his hand to pat Alex’s knee, but paused before he made contact, waiting for permission. The drummer ran his hand over his face, nodding silently. Luke put his hand on his knee in a grounding gesture, looking the other boy in the eyes earnestly,

“You stood up for yourself Alex. You called them out. It was kinda awesome.” He chuckled softly. Alex blanched,

“Oh my G-d. Luke, my dad’s going to kill me” he was starting to panic all over again. Luke reached forward and grabbed his hands, pulling them away from his face and holding them tightly,

“Hey, listen to me. Don’t worry about that right now. They had it coming eventually.” Noticing that his words weren’t helping calm his friend, he went for a different approach, standing up and brushing his hands against his pants before holding them out to help the other boy up,

“C’mon. Let’s get you out of here.” Alex squinted up at him, eyes still wet with tears, “What do you mean? My dad’s got the keys.” He pointed out miserably. Luke shrugged,

“So? The studio isn’t that far,” he moved around the side of the church and pulled out his orange bike,

“How do you think I got here? We’ll walk.” Alex averted his eyes, considering it. He wanted nothing more than to get away from the church and everyone inside it, and he _definitely_ didn’t want to be sitting there when his parents walked out those doors. He sighed shakily before nodding, accepting Luke’s hand and pulling himself off the ground. His legs still felt shaky and his head spun from his sudden position change after crying for so long and he stumbled, Luke instantly moving to catch him. Steadying himself, Alex waved the boy off, but offered a grateful look in his direction.

As the two began walking towards the road, Alex’s hand went back to his neck, fingers wrapping around the cross that now felt like it weighed a million pounds. He took a deep breath and moved his hand around the back of the chain, the other hand coming up to meet it at the clasp. He brought the crumpled chain in front of him, staring at the tangle of gold in his palm. The blonde took the end of the chain and pulled, sliding the charm into his hand. He never thought such a small thing could bring so much pain and hurt with it. Taking a last, broken look at the shining cross, he dumped it into his back pocket before returning the now empty chain to its place around his neck, a blank slate.


End file.
